Dear cryptic status makers,
Why? I guess that’s what I want to know most of all; just why? Am I meant to understand and/or relate to a status saying “its the final countdown…;)”? Huh? I don’t understand. I can’t put it any stronger than that.

Maybe you do it out of some misplaced aspiration to look like the cool, aloof jet setter who just flips from one fulfilling experience to the next; you want me to read it and go “Damn, Terence sure is a cool and interesting dude!”. Well, if that’s the case I’m afraid I can’t. I just fucking can’t and I wont.

A cry for attention perhaps? You’re looking for that sycophant(s) who’s gonna ask who or what you’re talking about and you’re totally going to riposte with some arcane one sentence answer because you’re just that Harry Casual. Also, I suppose giving a satisfying reply risks people no longer inquiring about what you’ve just written and you need that spotlight. You crave that shit.

I don’t really know why you do it, and I suppose I never will, but I’m gonna go ahead and break it to you: nobody, and I mean nobody, finds your opaque musings intriguing nor do they really care. Yes, even that jackass that will inevitably ask you out about it. It’s because nobody can relate to you or it. I don’t know what it is that you are talking about and I don’t care about enough to venture and play our own little game of 20 questions to find out.

Simply put, you’re doing Facebook wrong. I didn’t think it was possible, but fuck, some of you have proved me wrong; oh so very wrong. Facebook is about sharing. Sharing pictures, information, likes, dislikes or whatevz. When you write some vague, idiosyncratic status it defeats the entire purpose of social networking. Don’t write it on a public forum if you don’t wish for me to know. Extra, doubly, super duper don’t write it in a status; a form of communication that is meant to be short, forceful and to the point. If you want me to be aware of how your bikini wax went or how the neighbours dog just took a shit on your front lawn, then fine. I might not give a shit but at least I’m not left in the dark.

A status is about full disclosure, so cut it out. I don’t find you interesting, absorbing, thought provoking or titillating. Truth is that I’ve probably blocked you by now.
Yours,
Francois Badenhorst.

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