I love Steven Seagal. There it is; it’s out in the open. I just couldn’t live the lie any longer. I could no longer handle the burden of lying to others but most of all myself. Just digest my statement for a while before you judge me for my adulation of the pony tailed Aikido master. I understand there’s a lot to hate here. His seemingly never ending smugness, his conspicuous lack of acting ability and the fact that you just know that Steven Seagal’s hero is Steven Seagal but hear me out.

I went digging into Mr. Seagal’s past (by digging I mean I read his wikipedia entry for, like, ten minutes) and what I found was the epitome of devil may care; he straight don’t give a fuck yo and he sure as shit doesn’t care who notices. Of all the career advice you could give a half jewish kid from Lansing, Michigan I can’t possibly imagine that “go to Japan and study Aikido” would be among your sage advice. Stevie don’t care. He came, he saw and he studied aikido. Eventually, he became the first foreigner to own and operate a dojo in Japan.

So I ask you this: what have you managed to do in your long illustrious life? Huh? While you were busy thumbing your nose at Steven Seagal he got busy living. He’s been (and still is) an action movie star, philanthropist, a deputy chief in Jefferson Parish sheriff office, a Casanova of note, 7th degree black belt, Dojo owner, animal rights activist, MMA trainer and a master shot. Now forget about Steven Seagal and look at these these different things objectively. The man is extremely interesting and of all the tings you could accuse the guy of leading a boring life is not one of them.

He managed to do these things by, well, doing them. That sounds super simplistic but it’s true. I mean who among us is willing to pack all our stuff and becoming a ranchero in Mexico? That’s the equivalent of what he did. He swallows chunks of life whole and the dude is my hero. Not because he’s a super swell guy or a GQ man but because he’s lived and is still living.

You da man Steven Seagal. Keep trucking because remember: BiTcHeZ hAtE mE n RaTe mE..SiMpLy CuZ tHeY aIn’T mE.