When I realised the that volume of my TV wasn’t on a multiple of 5 I hastily grabbed the remote in an attempt to rectify the situation. The remote in my hand I just kinda froze. My index finger was massaging the “+” side of the volume button ready to turn into 64 into a nice round 65 while I was thinking “why?”. Why on Earth do I need to do this shit? I tried to dig into the cavernous hall of records that is my brain to find the answer but I just couldn’t; so I didn’t.

I didn’t change the volume to a multiple of 5. The number was at 64 and I accepted it. It was a small thing but it was liberating to just flip the bird in the face of neuroses and not to cater to some silly mental impulse I had somehow developed in my 21 years of existence. It’s something I’ve resolved to try and do more of. To just sometimes go “fuck it”.

I’ve been very lucky to have awesome parents and I’ll always be grateful but one of few bad things that developed from their all encompassing love is that I have been sheltered. The fulfilling childhood I received came at a cost of me sometimes not being able to just go with it; to roll with punches. It’s as if the volume not being at a multiple made me realise that it wasn’t always going to be this easy and at some time or another I would come up against something that made me uncomfortable. Something which unlike the volume of my TV I wouldn’t be able to control.

Life doesn’t come in multiples of five and up until very recently this frightened me. I don’t know what I’ll work as or where I’ll live or who I’ll live with. What dog will I own one day? Will I own a dog? Will I even be alive long enough to HAVE a fucking dog! Lots and lots of questions and very few (if any) answers.

My futures volume is set at 64 but hey, you know, fuck it. Start digging.

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