Yes that’s right, it’s the rapture in 3 days. I urge you to look at the link given above. Whatever you had planned for this weekend is null and void. You wanted to go do your hair? Nope. Hey you wanna go see a movie this weekend? Sorry buddy it’s the fucking end of times this Saturday.

You know how I know? Because Harold Camping told me so. He would know; he hosts a radio show. Being a disc jockey gives one the ability to divine the exact date and time of end of all things. Sure Big Harold said the world was gonna end in 1994 but he made a simple mistake that time. God, don’t be so demanding. Can’t a doomsdayer be given a little slack.

Now reading and hearing all this you’d think “Harold Camping is probably some redneck with a messiah complex”. You would be wrong in thinking that; the man is a graduate of Berkley, a seriously prestigious university. He holds a B.S in Civil Engineering from one of the best universities in the world. What would you do with that degree? Build canals and dams in Africa? Design sky scrapers that rival the Petronas towers in beauty and grandeur?

If you answered “use mathematics and bible verses to determine on what day Jesus’ second coming will be” then you’d get along just swell with ol’ Harold here. Now I can hear all you heathens asking what rationale Camping uses to make these prophetic statements and let me just tell you his research into the topic adheres to the highest scientific standards you can imagine. Here lemme show you:

Another argument that Camping uses in favor of the May 21st date is as follows:
According to Camping, the number five equals “atonement”, the number ten equals “completeness”, and the number seventeen equals “heaven”.
Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.
The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
(5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.

I had no idea making a prophecy is as simple as arbitrarily slapping numbers on abstract concepts. I like this game; I think I’ll have a crack also. So here goes:
The number 18 represents mutants, 12 represents anthropomorphic turtles, 9 is for ninja’s and 86 represents adolescence. 18+12= 30 and if put it together with the other two numbers I get a date: 30/09/86. That is my sisters date of birth. From this I can safely conclude that my sister is, in fact, a teenage mutant ninja turtle. Hot damn! I’m related to a celebrity.

This 21st of May campaign isn’t just some small church in America. It’s an international movement. Some proponents of this shit have actually taken to buying billboards proclaiming that the end is nigh.

My mamma said I'd amount to nothing. Look at me now!

My question is what’s gonna happen to these billboards on the 22nd of May? That’s gonna be pretty awkward for some people. Look, I’m not saying I’ve never been wrong but at least I didn’t buy a fucking billboard announcing it to the world at large.

What I like best about end of the world predictions is that you can’t be wrong. Let me rephrase that, you can’t be wrong about the underlying principle; if you stick a date on it you’re most likely going to look like a prick but if you’re all vague like Nostradamus you’re fucking A. Because, lets face it, the world will end at some stage; even staunch atheists know that shit. Say a precise date and you will be labeled an idiot. Make ambiguous prognostications of the worlds fate and BAM! Congrats bro, you’re the new oracle at Delphi. You should write a book. Get a twitter page. Do a speaking tour.

People like Harold Camping need a lesson in business.